| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|02:18 pm] |
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Lately I have been so under the weather. I've had a bit of a head cold for about a week, and I just wish I was back to normal. It feels like I've been sick forever. On top of being sick, I've been kind of depressed, too. I always complain about not having enough time, but when I do have time, I waste it. I've also been terribly lonely. The only person who has any interest in me and my life anymore is Josh, really. I've realized that I really don't have any friends. I take full responsibility for this because I work so much, I don't attempt to make friends, I don't really like anyone, and the friends I did have I let drift away. I just wish I hadn't wasted my entire high school career. Seriously, I really don't have any memories of anything. I need to sort my life out, seriously. I've been apathetic about everything. I hate my job, school is miserable, the friends I do have are never around, I'm not interested in anything anymore. I never read, never write, never take pictures, I don't do anything but sleep. I'm not ready for college, but I can't stand high school. I like to be alone, but I don't have any friends and I'm lonely. I hate to work, but I'm always poor. I don't have control over anything in my life anymore. I just don't know anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
Lots has been happening, but I haven't written in ages. I have been so exhausted, which is the downside to being busy, and with the possibility of CFS, everything exhausts me really.
Last night, I drifted off still wearing my contacts, listening to music, it was pretty much without any warning. I felt tired, but I wasn't planning on sleeping, hence not taking my contacts out. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with sore eyes, but not being able to comprehend what was going on at the time, I just fell back asleep each time. I woke up with sore, dry eyes and a dead battery. I was in an awful mood because my music is my lifeline for the horrible bus ride to school, but as soon as I stepped outside, the springtime made me feel better.
It's been so nice waking up to birds for once, and before they changed the clocks, sunlight. The weather let up, no more cold, bitter temperatures, and today, just a teeshirt, no jacket, would be suitable, which made me think of the Lucksmiths' song all day.
Bre and I made plans already to meet up at the library to take care of some school work. We'll probably end out on the lawn because it's so nice out. Afterwards, I think we're going to get Chinese and then, if we have time, pick up a game of Frisbee before the sun sets. There's a slight overcast, but it'll be a nice time.
Speaking of school work, because I've been accepted into university, I haven't been too dedicated to actually completing my assignments and studying. It's nice to take a little break, and in lieu of work, I've been reading and just spending time doing nothing. I'm so excited to start university though, even if it may be spring of 2008, and not this fall.
Work has been, well, work. They've been giving me more hours, but the people still suck, and I think the new waitress stole my tips. It's so exhausting.
School has been exhausting, the people though. There are a few people I can stand, but overall, I have nothing in common with anyone, anymore. Even the people that I pal around with, we have nothing in common. It's probably why I'm so distant to most people. I don't know. I used to think that it was one party's fault: I didn't try or they weren't interested, but now, I realize that all along it was a two way street going nowhere. We could pass each other, but no one too the effort to really get involved. I don't regret anything though. In retrospect, my schooling has been a pretty good experience.
I have to go, I better shift my ass and go meet Bre. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2007|03:17 pm] |
I NO LONGER SUCK AT LIFE
I GOT INTO DEPAUL
AND PITT.
I HAVE SO MANY BIG DECISIONS TO MAKE
IM FREAKING OUT
BUT YAYYYYY |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|01:01 am] |
Gah! I really need to stop getting upset and blowing all of my money on Belle and Sebastian merch.
Seriously, I disappoint myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|02:19 pm] |
My karma must be really bad because I keep falling down randomly and bad things are happening. Friday, I fell on some slush down my push stairs and bashed my elbow up. Then, yesterday, the first day I road my bus home since falling down, I tripped going up the hill, and I got really wet and scratched my ipod. Seriously, what have I been doing?
Things aren't that bad, though. I've been really busy, so I haven't had much time to sit around and think about negative things. I still haven't heard back from any colleges, so I'm probably going to have to take a gap year so I can have more time to search for scholarships. I'm thinking about going to India. My parents aren't too thrilled, especially since this whole thing with Pakistan is going on. I don't care really. I'd rather get out of shithole America. Speaking of America, I actually registered to vote. GO GREEN PARTY. Anyways, I don't know who I'd vote for because they all seem like morons. At least Bush won't be allowed to run, well, unless he takes over, which anymore, I wouldn't doubt it. I heard they're grooming ol' Jeb to run. Boo. The Bush Dynasty of America. Fuck that. I'm getting out of here as fast as I can. Anyway! I've been really busy with extracurriculars, and I have no time to do things I actually enjoy doing. My guidance councelor called me down to her office the other day, and she said that she saw me in the hall, and I looked miserable, and she wanted to know what was wrong. She also told me that she's noticed that I'm really good at hiding my feelings and that I shouldn't be ashamed if I'm having problems. What the fuck? I probably did look miserable, but god, if you would see the kids in the high school, you'd understand why. Plus, I'm stressed out because I have so much going on, and I feel sick. Today I didn't go to school because I think I'm getting sick, and I just needed a day to relax and drink tea and sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|05:56 am] |
I know I've been complaining a lot and going on and on about the weather, but no one is around to listen, and this is all I've got right now.
The absence of sunshine and abundance of cold air is ripping me apart, and I feel like a big ball of lazy, depressed mess that complains and sleeps too much. Getting out of bed is a chore, going to sleep at night is a chore, and the endless tangles of workschoolworkworkwork are draining my entire body, but mostly my heart.
I feel like I keep posting the same entries over and over and over again, but right now, this is all I am. Tired.
I cannot believe it's February already. I'm so scared to graduate, and I need to catch up on things in my life. I have so much to do and no time to do it, and I really feel like I've fucked my life up this time. On the plus side, spring will be here soon.
I'm too lazy to do any homework, and I've been so behind on my classes and my life and everything and it all just makes me want to cry.
School was cancelled today because it's too cold, and I'm so glad even though I have to work tomorrow.
On a lighter note, Of Montreal and Andrew Bird both have new albums out/due out, and I'm so excited because I illegally downloaded them and they are fantastic.
Am I the only one who stays in her pajamas all day and sleeps every afternoon away? I really need to go to the doctor's office or something because I'm so exhausted that I can't even think straight and I feel like doing absolutely nothing but sleep and watch tv. I don't even read anymore! It's awful. I'm too lazy to be bothered with much of anything, and it's making me really depressed, but then someone said that the reason I feel like doing absolutely nothing may be BECAUSE I am depressed, not that I'm depressed because I don't feel like doing anything. Anyway, it's a big stupid cycle and I'm going to sleep all day tomorrow and get nothing accomplished and be miserable. It's so pathetic because I can't even stand doing things that I like to do like reading and making nice things and looking for new bands to listen to or even play video games. All that I really want to do is sleep and sit around and sleep more.
Good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|08:54 pm] |
Not to sound like a teenage girl, but
I have:
no boyfriend
no friends
no college acceptance
no life
no money
I still:
love Josh
miss Bre
worry about college
worry about life
and
worry about money.
...even when I try to pretend like I don't.
asdkaldhasklda
today was a really bad day
and it makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up.
seriously, what a stab in the heart to quote my favorite band. i really doubt everything in the past two years. thanks.
</end> |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|01:23 am] |
Isn't that lovely? It's been snowing like crazy, and I like to look at everything covered in snow. It feels so cozy inside, too. Today I put on my pajamas and made tea and read and watched the snow! It was so nice. I fell asleep though, and I had a nightmare that some guy kept calling and it was muffled and cut out, but he kept saying that I had to save his wife and daughter. I had to give an operation to the mother to save her baby and I didn't know how, but the cast of Scrubs and Wilder Valeramo was there, and they helped. The guy was from Boston and had a bad leg, and at the end of my dream, we were sitting by a fountain, and he kept thanking me and said he'd pay for me to go to college. It was so weird. I woke up to a tv programme about a girl who had a giant tumor on her face, and she was getting an operation to fix it. It was sad and weird and scary. Can you hear in your dreams? I think I heard the tv show and dreamt about giving an operation!
I've been having trouble sleeping, and when I wake up, I'm so tired. I feel so drained, but that's nothing new. Lately, I've been realizing my priorities and what's really important to me. I'm not sure where everything fits into this, but I'm working on that.
School has been going well actually. My graduation project was due last Monday. It was kind of miserable because I loved my topic; however, passion because work, and writing an eleven paper was monotonous. I had so much information, and I could have done so much better, but I didn't have the time or the energy. I hate when school takes things that I like to do and turns them into work. I almost slept in and turned it in late, but I made it to school with five minutes to spare. I'll probably do poorly on the citations, but c'est la vie. I learned a lot, and that's all that matters right now.
My priorities are definitely shifting, and I'm pretty confused about how I want to live my life. I've been saving up, and hopefully, I'll spend an entire year overseas. That's all I really want to do with my life anymore. I mean, I still care about school and all, but right now taking care of myself, doing the things I love, and living my life the way I want to are more important. Everything else can fall into place. I've never given much effort in school, and I've made pretty decent grades so far. I'll never be the top of my class, but I am in the top part of my class, and I'd rather take the energy I used to waste on worrying and competing and spend it doing what I love and actually feeling alive. Right now, my main goal is self satisfaction.
My relationships are kind of suffering though. My boyfriend and I fight constantly, and he can't grasp the concept of me wanting independence. I love spending time with him, but I feel like every moment of my time is given to someone else, and it's nice to take a day off and spend it alone once and a while, you know? I don't even want to talk about my "best friend," because lately, she isn't there at all. I don't really mind all too much, because really, I like being alone. It would just be nice if she wasn't so concerned with school and stressed and bitchy all the time. Again, c'est la vie.
Oh, yeah. I might get promoted! haha! My manager told me today that they might make me a certified trainer, which means I'll train girls how to waitress. On a side note, it pisses me off when they yell at us for saying "waitress" because I guess the politically correct term is "server," which I think is great and all, but THEY REFUSE TO HIRE GUYS?! Guys always end up cooks and dishwashers, never servers! It's so mean, and uh, sexist. The guys there are mostly pigs anyways. I do like this one guy, but his girlfriend works there and gets weird if I talk to him, and it's not like I want anything to do with him, it's just nice to talk to someone normal at work. Tony is cool, too, but sometimes he looks at me which makes me uncomfortable, and he and the other cook talk in Spanish about me, and my Spanish isn't that strong, so unless they talk about food, schedules, time, or basic greetings, I never know what they are saying. Anyways, they want me to train girls because I passed all my tests and observances and I do things right. They creeped me out though because they asked me to drop two classes and do a work study. No thanks. Waitressing isn't my career. It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't have to do that to train, so I told them no, and they said that I could still become a certified trainer anyways, which was good! I'll be making more money, and I like teaching people things. I also don't mind serving. I make good money, and the people are usually nice. I meet interesting people too! All kinds of tourists pass through, so I've met people from Beligium, France, Scotland! It was nice. I also get to use my French, Spanish, and German! It's really neat. But yeah, I'll be getting more hours and more money. I've been getting like three days off a week, which sucks, but they said it's because they want me to start working more and they can only give me so many hours. I don't know, but I'm kind of excited to make more money!
Well, I better head to bed. It's late, and I have some work to do. I hope we have a cancellation because then I can spend the day reading and writing and enjoying my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|12:38 am] |
Today was the perfect January day. When I woke up, it was late into the afternoon, but everything was grey and the clouds looked like they were about to burst. It's been so rainy here, and hopefully, it turns to snow within the next few days. Anyways, I woke up, drowsy, and stretched for about 20 minutes. I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. My house was cold, and for that reason, I didn't want to stir from the couch. I made some leftover pizza, threw the kettle on, and layed around for a few hours. I went to work, and we were slow because the old people don't like to go outside in the rain because their heads get wet and they get sick, especially the ladies with permed hair who can't be bothered to wear those plastic hoods that make them look so funny. Old people are so grumpy sometimes. Luckily, I didn't serve many, and the ones I did were nice. It was nice because I didn't have to rush around. I only made $30, but it was okay. I came home and felt like cleaning and organizing everything, but I don't have the time, and my eyes felt heavy, so did my limbs. So, I ended up talking to Luke. I miss Luke so much.
I was so happy that my week was free, but it's not. Tuesday, I'm going on a road trip/conference thing with Student Council. Wednesday and Thursday were free, but I made plans with Luke to go for an afternoon lunch and tea. So, I only have Wednesday, and if Josh doesn't work he'll snatch it up. That sounded mean. I like spending time with Josh more than anything, but we're so lazy and end up napping. I want a day to myself. I need one, really. I have so much stuff that needs to be done.
Speaking of stuff to do, I have 30 questions for history, and I haven't even started. My brain is not convinced that I have school tomorrow. It's okay though because I have study hall this semester. No more gifted though. :( Study hall is good because I can have 45 minutes to myself, no Josh, no work, no school work, no plans with missed friends to just sit and just be. I might take that time to learn to knit or write a novella or take pictures or draw or read magazines or send mail or make postcards! That's such a nice thought! Free time! I like spending time with Josh, working, school (most of the time, and plans with Luke but think of all the stuff I can do by myself during those 45 minutes! I could even get work done so I have 45 minutes at home to organize myself! I've realized that I don't like being alone, but most of the things that I like to do are things you have to be alone to do. That's why I don't like going out with friends and spend most weekends alone. I like it that way. I'd much rather take a walk outside alone or ride my bike alone or something that spend time with other people. I really like other people, but I don't know.
Well, I'm going to risk drinking chamomile tea and hope I get these questions done before I fall asleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|02:47 am] |
my kitty died.
i've been working less...
...and sleeping more.
i have a billion+++ things to do.
i'd rather nap.
spent all day sleeping with josh.
it's nice to have some where to rest your head.
3 day weekend wasted working, sleeping, + spending time with josh.
tomorrow, i'm going out for lunch.
oh, and i caved and bought myself and ipod.
i also opened a checking account.
go team productive danielle!
okay, maybe not that productive,
but at least now i can waste all my money online.
$dollar to £pound conversion is absolute shit.
belle and sebastian merchandise will bankrupt me.
depaul needs to write back and say "hey. you can come to school here."
and then i'll pack my little bags and leave for chicago.
and then i'll begin my life outside of pennsylvania in the REAL world.
whatever.
i'm going to bed.
p.s. i need some mail to distract me from college letters. send me something. |
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| 2007 |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|03:02 pm] |
I've been craving a lot of alone time lately, so I spent New Year's Eve alone. Josh offered to come over after work, but I told him not to because I was tired. I ended up sleeping and getting nothing done when I really just wanted to tie up the loose ends of 2006. I have a feeling that this year will be amazing, stressful, but amazing. I hope everything turns out better than 2006, at least. This year has been so boring, and I feel like I owe my time to everyone, spread myself too thin, and have no time to myself. All I do is sleep. I slept so much over break, and I got nothing done that I had planned to do.
I made some resolutions for this year. I figured out why people's resolutions don't work: they make a broad, vague statement, but don't have a plan of action to follow through with it. So, that's what I did.
- get healthy. I don't really even care if I lose a lot of weight (though that would be ideal) I just want to start living and feeling better. I'm cutting out foods with major preservatives, chocolate anything, soda, ranch dressing, mayo, etc., gravy, mashed potatoes, french fries, and snack foods.
- read more. I'm making a list of 50 books to read this year.
- stay positive. Remind myself of the things I have.
- get organized.
-stop procrastinating.
- sleep less, develop a normal sleep schedule.
I think that's it. |
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| if you don't want to read whining, don't read. |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|02:19 pm] |
I'm so completely frustrated with my life. All I do is work, and all I want to do is sleep; therefore, I get nothing done. Break is ending quickly, and I really don't want to go back to school. This year has been pretty unbearable so far. I really can't wait to move on with my life and get out of high school. I work to death, and I never have any time for myself. I can't stand the people I go to school with, and I'm constantly exhausted from everything. I hate that my parents were right, that I spread myself too thin. I did. I can't handle everything, so I just breeze through it and give a half assed effort at everything. I hate that. I'd rather do absolutely nothing than give half an effort. I mean, we have no submissions for the literary magazine, and that whole situation is looking pretty grim. We haven't put out a newspaper this year. I feel out of the loop in Student Council, and I'm the SECRETARY! I have no idea what's going on in yearbook. I haven't been to or heard about a SADD meeting in years. Worst of all, I'm not focused on my schoolwork. I mean, I get good grades, but I know that I could do better, and I actually want to learn the stuff. I have no scholarship applications completed, and I still have to do two college applications. I never see Bre anymore, and I see Josh about once a week. All the other time I have, I sleep. I hate not doing things.
Christmas was okay. I hate when no one knows what to get me. It makes me feel like they don't know me or something (which is probably true since I'm never around). My parents suck at life more than I do. My parents didn't get me much, but that's not surprising. I hate to complain, but really, it's their own fault they have financial troubles. They seriously act like little kids. They don't know how to manage their money, and they have serious problems. It really pisses me off more than anything when I have to play "parent" to two worthless pieces of shit. I know that's awful to say about my parents, but it is the absolute truth. My dad is a complete, lazy failure. My mom actually tries to make things better, but seriously they have so many problems. I basically live on my own, with the exception of a place to live. I'm just tired of having to worry constantly about shit, when my parents don't seem to care about anything but themselves. It just hurts because they don't care enough about me to actually take care of me. I know that I probably sound like a spoiled brat right about now, but really, they don't care about me...at all. They lost our house, they don't pay bills, I have to work to death to actually afford things. I paid all my college application fees. I just wish that I could be normal and have my parents help me out and actually care about me. I don't know. I'm done whining.
Tuesday, after Christmas, was nice. Josh came over for his birthday, and we layed around, tried to watch Little Miss Sunshine (we fell asleep, but I watched it later and it's AWESOME), and ordered a pizza. It was really nice. He liked his gifts, and he got me two books. Later I went to my Uncle's and was absolutely miserable there. My one cousin is sooo annoying. Not to mention, my uncle is insane and obnoxious. All of a sudden, he's racist? Which is so weird because NO ONE in my family is racist, especially on my dad's side. We don't understand it at all, but he's so annoying. My other uncle from McKeesport was there with his wife. My aunt Melissa is so awesome, she got me a book about Scotland!? How did she know about my obsession? She's pregnant and due in April. She just had a boy, Owen, and he's so big. He's the size of a three year old, and he's only 17 months. It's so weird because you see him and expect him to act like a three year old. Anyways, it was nice, and my uncle made all kinds of good food. Despite the fact he's a crazy racist now, he's still a good chef.
Wednesday, Bre and I went to Pittsburgh for the day. It was nice. I never see her which upsets me. She got me a GUMBY! shirt, Belle and Sebastian The Life Pursuit, and a magazine. She's also getting me some shampoo since I'm almost out. We went to the South Side and went shopping. I got some sega games, magazines (of course. I'm obsessed with magazines, and I go to Pittsburgh just to get them), and a new scarf from H&M which is awesome and only $8. We also ate at the Beehive, which seriously had the best sandwhich ever. If I get into Pitt, I'll probably eat there everyday.
Speaking of college, I got my SAT scores back and I did so much better. I was so happy because I was so worried about my last scores. I have to get my college applications done, and find scholarships. Boo.
I'm going on a diet starting in January. I'm so sick of being fat. Anyways, we'll see how that goes. Until them, I'm eating all the holiday goodies and food in my house.
I don't have any plans for New Years :( It makes me so upset. I wanted to have a party, but I honestly don't like enough people to invite them, and most people already have plans. I think I'm just going to relax at home by myself. I'm not into getting drunk and partying anyways.
Well, the kettle just whistled. I'm going to go make lunch. |
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| I MADE A COMMUNITY! |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|02:04 am] |
please go join.
the more members, the nicer it will be.
more people to swap and share things. :)
we'll see how this goes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|04:54 am] |
I've been terribly miserable as of late.
I have no time to do anything, and I have so much to do.
All I want to do is stay in bed and read Chekov and collect words and drink tea, all day.
Unfortunately, I have no time to myself for anything anymore and it's making me quite exhausted.
Whenever I have a free moment, I end up closing my eyes and going to sleep, no matter how hard I try not to.
I only see Josh one day a week, and we always end up closing out eyes and going to sleep, no matter how hard we try not to.
I think I'm in some sort of rut. All I do is workworkwork.
I feel like I'm wasting my life.
I hate complaining, but I really need to get out of this, somehow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|10:27 pm] |
I can feel autumn creeping in, the weather digging into my bones.
I've had so much to do lately. It was nice to lay around for a while with Josh.
I wouldn't expect any updates. I have too much to do and no inspiration for anything.
I don't even read anymore. It's almost upsetting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|12:25 am] |
SCHEDULE FOR THIS YEAR
I'm pretty excited. Three foreign languages, AP US History with Michelle and Bre, first lunch. Things are looking pretty great right now.
( personal goals & to do list ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|09:51 pm] |
It's really frustrating when the people in your life who aren't supposed to let you down, let you down the most.
It just feels like my parents and my best friend don't appreciate me at all anymore.
My parents make me feel like I'm a burden on them and when they're not doing that they're ignoring me completely.
My best friend makes plans with me and then has to break them suddenly for whatever reason.
Both disregard my feelings completely most of the time, and I'm kind of getting sick of it.
If I try to talk to either about them they make it seem like it's all my fault and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I need to be.
It's completely unfair because it's not like they do it once and awhile, but everyday, multiple times.
Bre is so busy with other things that she has no time to see me (nor does she try to even make an effort to clear up some time) and if she does make plans, something always seems to come up right away.
She never bothers to really "talk" to me anymore, invite me to do things, etc, and not to be petty, but she's kind of the reason my summer sucked. We barely did anything together at all.
My parents are expected to let me down because they are so selfish they don't give a shit about me at all.
They're too selfish to get involved in my life, make sure I'm okay, teach me to drive, save up for college, ask me how I'm doing in life and in school, to pick me up on time, to get me the things I need.
The only person in my life that I can really rely on is Josh, but I only see him twice a week, so there's not much he can screw up.
It's just getting kind of frustrating that everyone in my life lets me down so much.
Summer ends in 10 days, and I want to do as much as possible, but Bre's always busy to the point it's kind of ridiculous.
This summer was the worst one I've ever experienced, especially since my best friend was too busy to do anything at all with me.
It makes me pretty depressed that summer went by so quickly and I have nothing to show for it. No long list of books I read, nothing new I've learned, no great memories. I didn't complete one thing on my summer to do list. I slept all day and watched television and wasted my life on here.
The only positive thing about school starting is it gives me reason to start making goals again. It's hard to believe I'm a senior. I have so much to accomplish and I have to have as much fun and do as much as I possibly can. It would be nice if my best friend realized that I'll be gone in exactly one year and she better start appreciating me.
( personal goals & to do list ) |
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